I must admit, I had a bit of trouble fitting my head through the door this past week after receiving my first fan mail. The email made me feel like this generation’s “Dear Abby”. Sure there was lots of praise in the letter (and let me tell you, it is much deserved), but it was the question that Kevin raised that inspired me for this post. He wrote, “My wife wants to name our child something different, but what would be considered different and when does it become downright stupid?”

Great question, Kevin. Let me start by saying that you came to the right place for an honest answer. If you couldn’t tell from my previous posts, This Dude is not afraid to say what he feels.

The first thing to consider when choosing a name for your child is simple. Or at least to me it is. Think about your last name. If it’s Washington, my advice would be to shy away from the name George and anything that falls under the notable celebrity or historical figure category. I have personally worked with Michael Jackson, William Nelson, and James Brown. No, not the entertainers, just some people whose parents had an odd sense of humor.

Next, avoid curse words, names that have meaning when put together and anything that rhymes with itself or foul words. Who can forget former baseball player Rusty Kuntz? That’s just wrong. I went to high school with Zach Zacharias and Bradford Bradach. Yes, seems funny after a few drinks, but it's just mean to do to a child.

Also, consider the child’s initials. Jot them down and then avoid the obvious: A.S.S, T.I.T, F.U.K. Makes sense, right?

I definitely do like the idea of different if that means you don’t want your child to be the like the Melissas, Jennifers or Michaels of the 80s. So, do a quick Google search (I saved you the work, no thanks necessary - http://www.ssa.gov/OACT/babynames) and you will find that some names that you or the wife love may fall on the top 10 most common list for the last calendar year (e.g. Jayden, Isabella and Emma). Yes, I used e.g. correctly. It means exempli gratia or for example.

So now if you’re wondering just like Kevin is, when does different become stupid? Search no further, Kevin. I’m borrowing a line from our friends at US Weekly Magazine, “Celebrities…They’re Just Like US”. Even celebrities are unable to avoid “stupid” baby names. If anything, they may think their celebrity status will elevate their child to a level where other kids won’t make fun of them. Oh, are they wrong. Kids are cruel and they don’t care who your Mommy or Daddy is. Below is my top 10 most ridiculous celebri-baby names (in no specific order).

1. Fifi Trixibell (Paula Yates) – sounds like a Chihuahua, not a kid.
2. Jermajesty Jackson (Jermaine Jackson) – as if the Jackson family didn’t have enough weirdness within the family already.
3. Sage Moonblood (Sylvester Stallone) – is he/she friends with Edward Cullen?
4. Tu Morrow (Rob Morrow) – funny when drunk, not funny when its your name
5. Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee) – is there really a need for the K in Inspektor.
6. Speck Wildhorse (John “Cougar” Mellencamp) – A kid named Wildhorse, cause that makes sense.
7. Zowie (David Bowie)- Zowie not so bad. Zowie Bowie meet Amelia Bedilia.
8. Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q (Bono from U2)- he kept adding names cause he “Still Havent found what he’s lookin for”
9. Moxie CrimeFighter (magician Penn Jillette)- forget the rabbit…maybe Penn can make that name disappear.
10. Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha (Lisa Bonet) – You know the State Fish of Hawaii? Apparently Lisa does.

If any of the names you or your wife are considering could have made this list, my advice would be to file that name in a safe place and lose the key. If you’re unsure, ask some people who are known for being too honest. He/she will let you know how they feel and you should take that into consideration. If you don’t know any people like that, just ask This Dude.
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AuthorJordan